How to be a Patient Parent

Let's just get this out there -- the title of this blog is somewhat misleading. It's not like you can read any blog with some basic steps to patience, and then you are magically patient. That's not how this skill is acquired.

It takes time, friends. It takes work.

UGH.

Think of this as more of a reminder of what goes into being patient, and particularly what goes into being a patient parent. I'm actually writing this because I personally need this reminder. ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW.

Lately, my lovely sons have been wrecking havoc on the house, opting for selective hearing, and playing a dangerous dance with disobedience. COVID-19 is not helping. They haven't left the house much, there have been no play dates, no park visits, and now their mom is losing it.

So, let's get real with patience.

THE CAUSE

If I am struggling with keeping my cool with my kids, it helps to identify the cause. Once I know why my vision is going red quicker than usual, it's easier to pick the most appropriate solution.

Here are the most common causes in our household:

1. Unclear Expectations

• The kids don't know what I need from them, or I don't know what they need from me. This can be downright frustrating. Especially, when I feel like I'm being a spectacular communicator. The obvious point here is, they are still kids. Signals easily get mixed up no matter how clear.

2. Unfair Expectations

• This is a big one for us. It's just difficult in general to determine age-appropriate expectations. Then we have to throw in the fact that each child is unique and may be able to handle more mature tasks at times, but at others require additional assistance.

SIGH.

3. Someone is Tired

• I definitely said "someone" on purpose. I'm usually the tired one, not the kids. They have buckets of adrenaline to go through. Meanwhile, I make a cup of coffee then forget it's been made for two hours -- because I'm so tired.

4. Someone is Hungry

• I'm questioning this: "Yesterday you ate a cracker, ran around for hours, and had me listen to you count to 100 three times. Now today you need 6 full meals and can't comprehend a single thing I say. WHAT GIVES?"

5. Adult Probs

• Let's just throw these all in their own big category. In most cases, they have absolutely nothing to do with the kid. (Spouse, work, bodily functions, stupid viruses circulating the planet, etc. etc.) It's just stuff that is giving me anxiety and I'm letting it trickle-down into my parenting because I'm human.

Let's not leave out of this discussion triggers. Things you know always set you off, whether you are in a good mood or not. With your known triggers, it's good to have a set plan established. So when you know this thing comes up, you are ready to combat it.

It may sound lame, but it works. Most of my triggers are completely irrational. For example, I love having a clean house, and having toys all over the place instantly puts me on edge. Even if it's their bedroom.

This photo of the boys' cleaning attempt gives me anxiety.

This is an insane expectation with children. I know this! So once I see those toys out, I take a big breath and think, "let those kids be kids, Mom." Simple, but it works for me. I go hours without focusing on toys now.

THE FIXIN'S

Again, these are things that need work. Practice makes patience, and all that.

Here is what we do:

1. Pray

• This is the most helpful to me, especially when I can get some alone time in God's Word. Refocusing on His wisdom and strength definitely refuels my own.

2. Switch Activities

• A wonderful tip I got from another mom is to step back and determine, who lost patience first? Me or the kids? Kids can only take so long of the same activity. There is a good chance their attitude (inattentiveness, frustration) could be because they are simply done with the task and don't know how to express it.

3. Take a Break

• Step back and take a breather. If there is behavior that needs addressing, I let the child know they need to sit down for a moment and take a few breaths. I will be doing the same, and when I come back we are going to decide the next step.

• If it's only me that needs the break, I encourage the kids play independently for a bit so I can get back some sanity.

4. Communicate

• If the kids are having a difficult time listening or obeying, it's time for me to re-evaluate my rule. Is it age appropriate? Did I explain it to where they understand?

• And this is the hardest for me -- did I communicate in a way I would want to be spoken to? If I'm setting a boundary or trying to emphasize a rule, I find myself saying things like "Let's actually listen this time". This is not encouraging or even kind. If my boss told me this, I'd be deflated. And I'm their mom, not their boss.

5. Positive Thinking

• Ah, the power of positive thinking. This truly does wonders on stretching out your patience, for reals. Here's how it goes...

• Old Thought: This kid is trying to test me.

• New Thought: He is trying to figure out how things work. How can I best explain?

• Old Thought: This kid won't stop asking questions.

• New Thought: He is so curious. I'm glad he wants to learn.

• Old Thought: This kid is so hyper.

• New Thought: It's a good, healthy sign to have energy.

6. Take Care of You

• It's an obvious one, but it's so easy to ignore when you are making sure the children's needs are met. A shower and a solid meal can go a long way.

If you spent today screaming or telling your kids you were "giving them to the count of 3" over and over -- my friends, tomorrow is a new day. You've got this.

Pray, breathe, and live patiently.

#patience #parenting #momlife #anxiety #stress #family #prayer