#JesusChangedMyLife

I did not grow up knowing God as my Savior. I was not a regular attendee of church in the years you start to pay attention, and I would not say I actively sought Him out.

Any questions I did have were not directed to the bible. Most of my friends were non-Christians, and when I looked to them for advice, the answer was believers were ignorant. Believers only needed an emotional crutch. Believers chose not to look at the facts.

I didn't want that to be me. I still called myself a Christian because it was easier in most cases. But by no means was I a Christian.

Tragedy hit my family swiftly when I was just 15. My father ended his life, and by doing so, forever changed the lives of several who love him.

It is difficult for me to express the level of abandonment this type of loss leaves a person with. Each loss of life comes with core similarities that we can empathize with as human beings. Then each loss also has a unique pain -- the circumstances of the relationship and other factors -- that only a rare group of people can relate to.

This level of abandonment is one of them. (Thank God for this, too.) It hurt me tremendously that my father suffered such pain he no longer wanted to live. And it hurt me on another level that the life he no longer wanted to live included being my father.

I have siblings that I am fiercely protective of, so this pain kept extending... How could he not want to be father to them? Husband to my mother? Brother to my uncles and aunts?

Any notion I'd previously clung to of an ultimate creator vanished after this. The idea God would allow such pain seemed to contradict with the "love and mercy" concept I'd heard previously. I decided if there was pain like this in the world, there was not a god at all.

I shut my mind to the concept, and opened it willingly to something else.

Anger.

Anger slowly crept in to my life and took over my other emotions. It was such an unnatural, yet natural, progression from normal, healthy emotions that it was not overtly noticeable.

I was not aggressive. I did not yell. I was not known to have a short fuse. But I was far from kind. I looked for the negativity in everything, and found it easier to speak cruelly of others than kindly.

Alcohol and drugs are common addictions we hear about. But anger and hate are very much so addicting as well. We see that now in Social Media. They call them "trolls". People seek out opportunities and platforms to feed the anger. And I am so grateful Social Media was not as big then as it now. Because I see my old self in those people.

I lived in this state for several years. It got to where the pain ate at me. Immersing myself in these negative emotions all the time, not dealing with my father's death -- I became extremely depressed. I felt this huge hole in my being with no way to fill it or mend it.

I tried negative remedies and I tried positive remedies. I tried exercising, reading self-help books, and therapy.

I wanted to end my own life the pain was so terrible.

It was an option, right? My dad did it. Why couldn't I?

I recognized this as the lowest point I could go. I continued with the therapy and exercise. Which did help, absolutely. But the hole was not going away. All these things were still not filling this strange void. I came to believe this is just how it is when you lose someone in your life. You forever feel like a leaky bottle.

I was 25 when I met Jon. We formed a quick friendship focused around spiritual debate. When he asked me out, I literally laughed. I reminded him quite bluntly about our differences: he was the "good old Christian boy" and I drank, cursed, and joked inappropriately. I also made it clear I found nothing wrong with either of our life choices -- meaning I felt he thought there was everything wrong with mine but I was open enough to accept his. (Yes, I realize now how rude and closed-minded this makes me sound. But that's because I was that way.)

We started dating and our relationship continued to have a strong focus on spiritual debate. No one was pushy. No one was angry. We both knew we could ask questions openly about the other's beliefs without retaliation.

I did not make it easy on him either. I asked about his thoughts on evolution, dinosaurs, the creation story, the big bang theory, idea of heaven's perfection, and so much more.

I listened to Jon speak passionately of his love for God for a year, and throughout this time he invited me to church. Each time I declined.

One day a friend of mine asked me if I loved this man. I admitted I did. She asked about the conversations we were having involving God, and how it was going to work if I was not a Christian. I explained that we were both open-minded so there had been zero issues so far.

This friend asked if I had been to church with Jon yet. Nope. She pointed out the obvious. Looks like I was not so open-minded if I wasn't willing to sit with the man I love in his favorite place for an hour.

I would show her.

I was the MOST open-minded.

Next Sunday, I went to church with Jon. The pastor's sermon was focused on anger. Specifically, anger with families. HELLO.

The next three sermons applied directly to me. So much so, that I was hooked come Father's Day. Before this I had made it a ritual on this day to assume the fetal position and try to tell myself I could be loved again. But here I was, in a church. And the pastor preached to me again. His message was for the fatherless -- those with earthly fathers who abandoned them in some fashion. He spoke of the Lord as an adoptive father, calling for all lost children.

What? What. Was. Happening?

I started looking at the differences in my life. Without realizing it or purposely doing anything, I had gone from 95% of my friends as non-Christian to now 95% of my friends as Christian. When did this happen?

And Jon. Jon was the first Christian I had ever dated.

Then came the sermon of the Salt & the Light. Pastor Hance warned Christians of being hypocritical, shaking fists in the dark, yet refusing to shine a light and praise God. He suggested perhaps the darkness is needed because during these moments of brokenness we turn to God.

I looked at Jon and said, "I think I've had enough darkness. I don't need to be broken any more."

The next day I became violently ill. I was on the first week of a new job, and no chance of calling in. I did not have insurance either. (Get ready to cringe...) I went to work, hoping no one would notice or catch my sickness.

Day two, my cat was suddenly just as sick as me. We both could not keep food down. I took her to the vet, and they could not explain it. This animal could not keep water down, and there was no reason for it. I checked with my apartment, to make sure no bug spray was done recently, and all my neighbors were fine.

We were non-stop sick for 7 days. (I don't know how my cat lived!) On day 7, I lost my job.

I prayed. I prayed for real for the first time in probably ever. The next day I was better. I told myself the sickness had finally run it's course.

And I asked Jon to go with me to buy a bible.

Now I was jobless, mind you, so I had plenty of time to read. When I wasn't submitting resumes, I was looking through the good book. I had knowledge of some of the better known big stories (Noah's Ark, Jonah and the Whale), but I had only read the children's versions and didn't actually know where in the bible it told of these things.

This lead to me mindlessly flipping through pages. I decided I would just open the bible each day, and wherever I landed, is what I would read. Turns out God was going to determine the pages for me.

For clarification purposes, it must be explained that a lot of my anger was directed at my mom. She won the lotto on this after my father's death. Any time we spoke, it seemed to end in an argument. I remember we spoke on the phone, can't tell you what it was about, but that it ended in me truly seething. After the call ended, I flipped open God's word to my "random page" and pointed my finger:

"For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same thing." - Rom 2:1

Ok, I may not remember the argument, but I clearly remember this applying directly to the situation. And almost being more angry. Angry at the thought I could have any wrongdoing in this situation at all. It's tough to face these things.

This became a regular occurrence. Each time my random scripture directly applied to my situation for the day. I told myself this was because I was looking for a pattern now and practically seeking out coincidences.

Still, it kept happening.

Jobless. Zero insurance. And oh, have I mentioned I'm epileptic? The epilepsy medicine... Not so cheap. My relationship with my mom was not good. I did not ask her for help in this way. Jon asked his parents for help, but knew it was a lot to be asking. They offered me all the change in their "piggy bank".

I thought it would not be enough to cover my medicine, but so grateful to have this gift. Jon and I took it to one of those change converter machines, and discovered I had a little more than what I would need for a month's supply. What a praise!

Each day we studied together, and each day I grew closer to the Lord. Months went by. It became daily that "coincidences" or "oddities" were happening. Jon could see them for what they were, and he kept proclaiming the awesomeness of the Lord.

I could not. Or I chose not to.

Even now, it's hard to know which is right.

When you live your life apart from God for so long, you start to live in this... fog. It's almost funny because as I write this now I know that pre-saved me would have said the same of Christians. That they were in a fog, unable to see my truth.

But it's me that was in the fog. I was shutting out things I truly knew nothing of. I'd claimed understanding, but read only headlines and Reader's Digest versions. Now this warped fog was distorting my view of the truth.

I denied miracles. I heard the good news and found it to be strange news.

Jon told me at this time it seemed like I was determined to be skeptical. He was concerned I would not accept Christ into my heart.

But changes were happening. Each day I was in the word, I felt calmer and calmer. Slowly, God was lifting anger's hold on me.

I forgave my mom. For things she did, and things she did not. I forgave her for somethings I did, as messed up as that sounds. (It's where I was in life.)

Everything felt very real and loud. Everything FELT. It was good. It was better than good. (If you have ever been in a one-emotion state or depressed, you know what I'm talking about here.)

If I had my job throughout this, I do not think I would have dedicated all the time I did to discovering who God is in the way I needed to. I cannot pretend that is coincidence.

"But this time also Pharaoh hardened his heart and would not let the people go." - Exodus 8:32

I remember reading this and being instantly devastated. Was my heart hard? What if it's me that has such anger and won't let go? My dad hurt me so long ago, but who have I hurt since?

So scared, I voiced my concerns to Jon. He assured me it was the fact I was scared that proved I did not have a hardened heart. I had a heart that yearned for Christ and compassion.

That is what I wanted. I wanted to see a miracle and recognize it in wonder, to see others with compassion and not regard them with cruelty. I didn't want to be this negative person any more. I wanted to change not just for myself, but for others.

You would think I called God to my heart right then. BUT THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE SENSE! Not so!

I still questioned my actions, and if it was even necessary for me to become a Christian to be this new person. Was that really required?

It hit me like a brick. I felt so strongly that absolutely I must do this. If I did not, I was always going to be looking for a way out, and doubting. I was weak and could not do this alone.

I opened my bible to a random page for help, and landed on Psalms 116. Please do read the whole psalm, but here is special excerpt:

"What shall I render to the Lord

for all his benefits to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation

and call on the name of the Lord,

I will pay my vows to the Lord

in the presence of all his people."

-Psalms 116: 12-14

I confessed my sins, I proclaimed Christ as Savior, and I was baptized within weeks. Oh, and Jon is my husband now, and we have three beautiful boys together.

This is how Jesus changed my life.

If you are walking through depression or suicidal thoughts, please do not hesitate to seek help for yourself and those you love.

• Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

• National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

• Your local church is also a great resource

#JesusChangedMyLife #JesusIsLord #HeIsRisen #SuicidePrevention