The Minefield to Independence

Independence is a tricky thing. Even as adults we struggle with the freedoms we have, those we seek, and those we usurp. It's no wonder kids handle this power like a minefield.

Photo by James Frid

Quite honestly, parents are often the ones laying the minefield so this really doesn't help things.

Half of the time we are telling them they are big enough to handle it solo, the other half we are saying not yet. We inconsistently offer help to see if they ask for it on their own, or to see if they can complete tasks without aid. We even reject their requests for help to encourage they do things on their own.

All these are healthy things to do as parents! But oh man, think back to when you were a child. How confusing! I remember pleading with my parents -- Which is it?! Am I big, or small?! What am I to you, a child or an adult?

Yes. You are one becoming the other, so chill.

Kids understand we are trying to play a game of sorts, but they don't understand we want the result to be a fully, functioning adult capable of making and acting upon decisions -- without the influence of others.

My kids are all very young, but as we know, the fight for independence starts in the wee years. The demands of, "I can do it myself!" and "I got this!" should actually be music to our ears.

I know, I know. I've done this inward groan, too, when I hear my kids say this. Because I know they will take FOREVER. I know they will be SO INSANELY SLOW while they try this new skill. Or that they will repeatedly put the tape on the corner of paper that needs no tape. WHY.

But join me in this challenge -- do truly think of it as music, and not a painful notification. Your kid is not alerting you to something that is about to tickle your anxieties. NO SIR.

He is singing the anthem of growth! (Yes, it's quite cheesy, but go with me for a bit.)

He is taking a huge step to becoming an independent person, capable of taking on new goals. Don't squander this for him with:

• "Maybe next time; Mommy is in a hurry."

• "Let me help instead."

• Any signs of frustration -- kids are observant!

You help by not helping. Boost your child's confidence by showing your own confidence in their abilities. Let them do those small tasks independently. Soon, they will take on bigger and bigger challenges. This helps you, too! Because you now have a helper, not someone asking for help. DOUBLE WIN!

I sat with my 6-year-old today as he cut and taped a book together for a homeschool project. Parts of this activity hit teeth-grinding-level anxiety for me. I'm not crafty, I'm methodical. So, I had to sit on my hands as my crafty child cut items out of a magazine without real care for lines or appearance, and slapped them into a book with any number of inappropriately sized tape pieces.

Although this child is extremely socially independent, and has great confidence presenting himself, he shies from physical tasks. Not that he can't do them, or that he won't do them, but that he would much prefer the parent does these things instead. It takes a lot of strong encouraging to let him know he's got this, until he gains the confidence in his ability to take on the task consistently.

So I knew, when I saw him doing all this cutting and taping, and I offered help -- it was a no-no. He is not the type of kid you go offering help to because he will then ask for help on that thing every time thereafter.

I did it anyway. I was laying the minefield, folks.

But my boy sang a song tonight. He said, "I got this." Praise Jesus! We got this.

#confidence #independence #growingindependence #parenting #blogpost